Mom resents 10-year-old daughter for crying at her impromptu wedding 2 years after her father passed, wants family therapist to reinforce her resentment: 'She said I should feel guilty for hurting her on her wedding day'

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Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Aug 10, 2024 12:00 PM EDT

People go to therapy for all sorts of reasons. I find it kind of naive when very online individuals claim that people (mostly men) who are deficient in character should go to therapy to fix their flaws. I'm sorry to say that for the majority of the therapy-going population, getting a therapist will not transform them from a scoundrel to an upstanding citizen. A big chunk of therapy-goers do so to prove to themselves that they're right in a situation, whether or not they actually are. They'll tell a therapist their side of the story, hoping that this medical professional will confirm their preconceived beliefs and everyone else is wrong. In solo therapy, it's easy to convince a therapist that you're the good guy. In group therapy, it's a whole lot harder. A 16-year-old girl recently went viral on Reddit after sharing the terrible family situations she's in with her mom and stepdad, and her therapist isn't fully buying her mom's side of the story.

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    via Bernard Tuck

    Photo does not depict the real subject in this story

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    AITA for telling my mom if she doesn't listen to the family therapist and get solo therapy, I won't engage in family therapy going forward?
    via AnalysisAfter9389
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    My mom, stepdad Jim, who I'd normally say is my mom's husband, and I (16f) are in family therapy together. It started 8 months ago. My mom and Jim have been married since I was 10. They have 2 kids together. My half brother is 5 and half sister is 2.5. My dad, who my mom was married to, died when I was 8. The first therapist
    via AnalysisAfter9389
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    made no sense on anything and was even too much for my mom and Jim which says A LOT. Current therapist has been great in my opinion. She met with us all individually for a couple of appointments and then started working with us as a group.
    via AnalysisAfter9389
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    I always knew my mom resented me for crying during her wedding. She has brought it up in therapy while not saying she holds it against me, her words say that she does. I hadn't been super happy about the wedding. The wedding date was kept from me and from people in my dad's family so they visited that weekend and I couldn't see them, that made me sad, paired with the fact I was sad my mom was marrying someone else and paired with missing my dad, I cried a lot throughout that day. My face was a m
    via AnalysisAfter9389
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    Jim thought we'd have a father/daughter relationship. He doesn't like that I don't want it. It drives him crazy that we can get along fine but I never want to go beyond that. He considers it more insulting that I don't hate him but still won't accept him as a parent or come to him like I would a parent.
    via AnalysisAfter9389
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    I have mentioned how I don't want Jim to fill the role of dad in my life or primary father figure and if I want a more fatherly figure for something, I prefer going to my paternal relatives who make me feel like an extra connection to my dad. I also confirmed that I don't want to have a relationship with Jim where he'll walk me down the aisle some day and I don't plan on joining him for father/daughter dances like he's invited me to before. I also confirmed my mom and Jim's suspicion that I don'
    via AnalysisAfter9389
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    My mom brought up the wedding as well as my relationship with my half siblings a lot during sessions and mom fights back against the therapist when she tries to address it. She has said things like I should feel guilty for hurting her on her wedding day and causing so much trouble in the family we now have. The therapist suggested mom and Jim should seek solo therapy. They refused. Mom was deeply offended and argued with both the therapist and me outside of therapy about it. The therapist has
    via AnalysisAfter9389
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    asked her why she's so hesitant to utilize solo therapy. Mom has really dug in her heels. A week ago I told mom if she doesn't listen to the therapist and go to solo therapy, I won't engage in family therapy more because we're getting nowhere. She told me I did not get to decide and I did not get to tell her, the parent, what to do and she said therapy was my fault to begin with. AITA?
    via AnalysisAfter9389
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    GreekAmericanDom . 9 hr. ago ΝΤΑ I did not get to tell her, the parent, what to do Oh the irony. Because this flies in the face of I should feel guilty for hurting her on her wedding day when she forgot to be a good parent.
    via GreekAmericanDom
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    Look, your mom That she kept her wedding day from you is absolutely horrible and bound to backfire AS IT DID. You are right to not want family therapy anymore. Your mom refuses the criticism and the work she needs to do. Of course it's not going to go anywhere.
    via GreekAmericanDom
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    Analysis After9389 OP. 9 hr. ago Yep. It backfired badly because she still ended up with the nightmare she didn't want. She mentioned in therapy that keeping it from me and my paternal family was supposed to stop them showing up the weekend of the wedding and me wanting to be with them instead of attending the wedding. She knew I'd want to be with them even if they weren't local though. So she thought just announcing the morning of that it was the wedding would change things. But it was so much
    via AnalysisAfter9389
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    GreekAmericanDom 8 hr. ago Ask your mom to for individual therapy for you. A therapist might help you learn how to cope with her BS. All I can say is that for now, your best strategy may be to keep your head down, make to graduating high school, and then head off to what makes sense for you. If it's college, get them to pay as much of it as possible.
    via GreekAmericanDom8
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    When you are no longer financially dependent on them, go low/no contact. I'm sure she won't understand why, but that's on her.
    via GreekAmericanDom8
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    Independent_Prior612 · 6 hr. ago This is a fantastic idea. OP, please ask about solo therapy for yourself. Consider asking in front of the therapist so your mom can't ignore it.
    via Independent_Prior612
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    bluepancakes18 · 6 hr. ago My sister and I were in our late 20's when my dad remarried 3 years after my mum died. We bawled like babies. It was an awful, heartbreaking day for us. It felt like another final goodbye to my mum; a final goodbye to the family we had been. We were adults. I can't imagine doing that as a kid.
    via bluepancakes18
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    MaxTheCookie · 6 hr. ago Did you ever have grief therapy after the passing of your father? Because to me it seems like she managed to deal with the feeling and emotions of his death, but you did not since you were a child
    via MaxTheCookie
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    AnalysisAfter9389 OP. 6 hr. ago Nope. I never had any kind of therapy before family therapy. And it's not something my mom would get me. At least not real therapy.
    via AnalysisAfter9389
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    Construction No9678 · 5 hr. ago This is likely a key reason in why you haven't really warmed up to your stepdad or your new siblings. On the one hand, it's normal to feel some grief only a couple of years after your dad passed away, especially on your mom's second wedding day. I don't fault you for that. On the other, not having any kind of counselling and having such big changes in your life very shortly after a traumatic event makes it that much harder to deal with those changes. Your mom real
    via ConstructionNo9678
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    Comfortable-Sea-2454 9 hr. ago NTA "My mom brought up the wedding as well as my relationship with my half siblings a lot during sessions and mom fights back against the therapist when she tries to address it. She has said things like I should feel guilty for hurting her on her wedding day and causing so much trouble in the family we now have."
    via Comfortable-Sea-2454
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    Your mom is acting in a delusional manner. She can't accept that you still remember and miss your biological dad. All she is doing is pushing you away. She is making your memories a "her-her- her" problem. Would your paternal relatives be willing to take custody of you if you went to court? At 16 the judge should listen to you and take your wishes into consideration.
    via Comfortable-Sea-2454
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    AnalysisAfter9389 OP. 9 hr. ago My paternal family did look into it for me. During a very rough patch I was having at home. But the gist they were told is without something huge and major, even at 16, my wishes count for and I will be staying with my mom. No judge would take custody off her for it. Apparently a lot of times people wait until they have 6 months before turning 18 and then just go. But even in a custody dispute between parents the kids wishes count for nothing even as older teens.
    via AnalysisAfter9389
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    Comfortable-Sea-2454 8 hr. ago OP am so sorry that the court system would rather teenagers be miserable rather than live with family that make them happy!!
    via Comfortable-Sea-2454
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    No-Charity2718 · 9 hr. ago NTA. Setting boundaries in therapy and insisting on effective treatment strategies is important, especially when progress is being hindered by one party's reluctance to engage fully. Your decision to withdraw from family therapy if your mom refuses to pursue individual therapy is a valid choice given the circumstances. It's crucial for all participants to commit to the process for therapy to be effective. Your stance is about protecting your own mental health and foste
    via No-Charity2718
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    AnalysisAfter9389 OP 9 hr. ago I wish my mom had really committed to the idea of therapy before going. She went with a goal in mind. She has not changed her goal even after being told it wasn't the end goal the therapist felt should be set. I don't want to lose her but at the same time I know nothing can work between us while she holds all this resentment toward me. It's already poisoned our relationship badly enough.
    via AnalysisAfter9389

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kid kids crazy things parents say bad parenting bad parents parenting wedding motherdaughter daughter parent mom weddings Parenting Fail parents Parenting FAILS
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